Grace!

I apologize for the delays...life is just going by so quickly.

In my most recent newsletter I talked about Grace and I wanted to expand on what I talked about

Grace is hard to understand and embrace, even in my own life. One thing that has challengeded me this month is needing to learn how to be like Jesus among my new co-workers, operating out of grace instead of my own strength. I find myself tempted to fall into gossip, complaining, and thinking that its me (and not Jesus) that's impacting my work environment. As I invest in those around me, it is easy to see how they define success; to them, one needs to do something... it's working hard towards a goal. Then I look at all the Christians the Lord has brought into my life to pour into, success has looked pretty similar. God has been refining my understanding of true success; living in His abundant grace. I know how to follow his commandments well, but receiving his free gift of grace is much harder especially because according to the ways of the world nothing in this life is ever free. This idea of striving and working for things so easily creeps into our thoughts for our salvation, the very salvation that we have already obtained because of Christ's death. This salvation cannot be worked towards, it cannot be earned, and ABSOLUTELY nothing we do can repay the debt Christ paid. All other religions except for Christianity are work-based. They do not have a Savior that is willing to die for them to restore what went wrong. I see how easily I forget that I need Jesus. Because of what Jesus does for us, we do not need to operate like other religions, striving for his favor. We cannot dismiss that He's paid it all and God is pleased by our faith, not by works...if we only think of what we must do, we're out of balance. Without stopping to receive the grace of Jesus, we are not living to our full capacities, we are not living in freedom, we are loving and serving those around us out selfishness, and worst of all we are denying what Christ died for on the cross. I truly believe when Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and burden is light” he really meant it.We make it difficult when we try to do it out of our strength. True ministry comes out of abiding in Christ and just being, not from some misguided sense of obligation to Him.

So I'm trying not to be like the world by remembering that I need Christ and the freedom of His grace and love. This ministry's success hinges on my willingness to surrender control and rely solely on Him; I merely participate with what God is already doing (John 5:19). He is our provider and all of our goodness comes from Him.

 

As a believer in Christ, Sucess depends on our ability to give up our will and look to God's will. When people look at this they should notice that our lives look different. Our priorities are different and because of this we offer a different kind of hope. A hope that rests in knowing that striving gets you no where...just tired, lost, and trapped. A hope that one can rest, that one can truly be valued by who they are and not what they can do. This is what I hope people see in my life.

 

 

Oswald Chamber sums it up pretty well...

being justified freely by His grace . . . —Romans 3:24

The gospel of the grace of God awakens an intense longing in human souls and an equally intense resentment, because the truth that it reveals is not palatable or easy to swallow. There is a certain pride in people that causes them to give and give, but to come and accept a gift is another thing. I will give my life to martyrdom; I will dedicate my life to service— I will do anything. But do not humiliate me to the level of the most hell-deserving sinner and tell me that all I have to do is accept the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.
We have to realize that we canNOT earn or win anything from God through our own efforts. We must either receive it as a gift or do without it. The greatest spiritual blessing we receive is when we come to the knowledge that we are destitute. Until we get there, our Lord is powerless. He can do nothing for us as long as we think we are sufficient in and of ourselves. We must enter into His kingdom through the door of destitution. As long as we are “rich,” particularly in the area of pride or independence, God can do nothing for us. It is only when we get hungry spiritually that we receive the Holy Spirit. The gift of the essential nature of God is placed and made effective in us by the Holy Spirit. He imparts to us the quickening life of Jesus, making us truly alive. He takes that which was “beyond” us and places it “within” us. And immediately, once “the beyond” has come “within,” it rises up to “the above,” and we are lifted into the kingdom where Jesus lives and reigns (see John 3:5).

We must not forget that we need Jesus. Thats all. It can be that simple.

Increase my character before increasing my authority

As I continue to work with the women the Lord has placed into my life I am realizing more and more the authority that I have in their lives. They really want to know my opinion on life choices, on dating, how to deal with their parents, and how to handle a difficult (slightly crazy) friend. There is this temptation (not always) for me to answer them out my own judgments, my selfish motivation, and my pride. I love when people need my advice, but the reality is I need to make sure they are learning to trust their own judgments over mine because I will not always be in their lives. Also, I need to make clear that as hard as it may seem...I AM NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! I am thankful for this awareness God has given me to make sure I am in check with His will. It has made me recognize how easy it would be to take advantage of those around me and why people in authority can quickly get off track when their pride takes over. As I sit today praying for the women I am working with and for other relationships the Lord has given me a powerful voice in, I find myself praying that the Lord increases my character before he increases my authority anymore. For me to really do this ministry well it is more important that God increases my integrity, selflessness, and humility because I know the extent of my own brokenness and sinfulness. It is so vital for me to spend time daily in his word and praying so that I do not forget He is the source of the wisdom.

No Pamphlet needed

Jeremiah 29:4-7 says "This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: 'Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”'

Verse 7 should be noted, "Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare."


What does it look like to "live in but not of" the world? How do we live out the Gospel in such a complex culture? How do we develop a heart for the area we are living in?


I feel like the answer is living intentionally with those around you and investing yourself into your city. Evangelism is a misunderstood term. The campus ministry I attended in college required us to use a pamphlet to engage other students in why Christianity is the only way. I remember being so anxious and it felt so forced. I never loved doing that, but I know it does work. But this is so unnatural for a lot of people and it airs on the side of legalism when it becomes something we have to do. 


What if evangelism was living with intentionality? What if you embraced the starbuck's barista, the Wells Fargo teller, or the Sunflower cashier? What if you actually took a look into the lives of those who serve you? What if outreach was not an event that was planned by a church, but was actually a part of your life? 


I definitely not perfect at this but I have been investing in a bank teller for the last few months. She is 23 and has a 5 year old son, I can't even imagine what I would do if I had a kid right now and being a single mom. It has been awesome to get know her more and more as the time goes by. What is very obvious is that she feels alone and needs to be heard. I am not sure where this relationship will go, but I know I called to only use that bank. 


There is so much brokenness around you... there is a cry for community, love and belonging. There is a need for someone to just smile, call out their name, or just someone who is really genuine 


Currently, I am reading the book "Coffee Shop Conversations" (and yes I can only read it in a coffee shop and has created some discussion from those around me). The book talks about approaching every conversion with humility. That in fact you can learn from other people even if you have different worldviews (Shocker I know) "We must step into their unique shoes and view their spiritual world from their perspective"(P. 40). It city's culture must be learned before a connection is made.  

We have duty to prayer for our cities and to live peacefully in it. The Lord says where our treasure is so is our heart, regardless of whether or not you are content with where you are living we are called to intercede for the city we are in. 


Therefore, do not let busyness, fear, insecurities, pride, and judgement step in your way of seeing those around you. I pray that my eyes are open to where God is working in my city, I pray that I do not miss an opportunity to share His good news. Find out what your city needs and make it happen! I believe Community can be built anywhere if one is willing to invest in those around them and willing to be open-minded. 

Dealing with disappointment

I do not claim to be a theology expert (you are welcome for admitting that Michael), but I do feel like there are several areas that I am seeing patterns. Therefore through my own experiences I am able to develop a theology-like view on how God works in the midst of disappointment. 


Throughout my life (I am not alone in this), I have some sweet opportunities fizzle completely out and I wonder what the whole point of that was. The worst is when something comes about like someone out of the blue calling you about a job opportunity (this happened to a friend recently), you apply and they give it to someone else. Like really, what is the point. You are minding your own business and someone approaches you, it seems like this is your miracle, then nothing... It has made me think about what is the point of this. It make it hard to get excited about things that just fizzle out. It has also made me think about how to handle the frustration appropriately while being thankful and obedience. 


Here are some thoughts that I have and you can weigh in on any of them. In fact I love other people's opinions and I am not always right. 


Firstly, I look to quickly for the miracle, the sign, and don't ask God whether or not it is. If someone calls me up with a job opportunity, I automatically think this is how God is working without ever asking whether or not if God is working the way I think he is (that was mouth full). I need to consider God instead of jumping to conclusion, just like I am apply to dismiss God's power in other areas of my life because it does fit in the mold I have made God. Before jumping to conclusion, I need pray to God and ask Him is this your piece? Recently someone told me that God is teaching me how to be selective and it is crucial to understand discernment. Since stepping into this ministry, I have already had to say no to different things pulling me off track and it so crucial to stick what God has promised even if someone offers you a seemingly better off (And yes that has happened several times). Remember when something occurs that could be your miracle, ask God first because it will save you disappointment later. 

Secondly, 1 Thess 3:3 says "so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for them." One promise that I have seen clearly fulfilled, is the promise that life is not easy. Recently, I have been reading story of David. God promised him to be king but it was not an easy road at all. Saul tried to murder him so many times! When Saul died, he still had to wait over 7 years to get the whole kingdom as Saul's heirs fought over it. What we do know is that David was not afraid to look foolish. David was dancing half naked praising God and he was criticized, 2 Samuel 6:22 says "I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. David also chose a sling shot to kill Goliath opposed to a sword, but He won. David's faith was tested to the nth degree. Of course it would have been nice to have an easy transition into kingship, but that would not have taken much faith. He would not have been a man after God's heart because he would not be completely sold out for him. He believed that he was supposed to be King so well that even when he was almost killed he did not give up. It is also nice to read the Psalms because it explains what 1st and 2nd Samuel are unable to do, it explains his emotions in the process. David was real and he appropriately handled his frustration and turned them over to God and it made him more PASSIONATE!!!! (minus the whole sexual frustration thing with Bathsheba but hey Solomon was born and he was important!) I recommended reading story of David and how God developed his character through trial. Without the the struggle he endured, David would of been just a mediocre King. God prepared David to be at his best. 

Thirdly, be okay with the unknown. Something that I find annoying about the Bible is that you get to see the whole process (Which is one of the most helpful things of the Bible), but what do you do when you only see a bit of it. You get to see that God provided when things looked grim, but in real life its hard to see what He is doing when you are in the midst of it. When all things look hopeless, when you feel alone, when you feel foolish, and when you are exhausted how do you hold on????? This is where faith matters. This is where you hold onto the promises and you are okay with not getting total affirmation. In order to become completely sold out for God, you need to be okay with not having "wordly safety nets" You will not learn much when things are freely given to you. Its liek a child who is provided for until there 18, how do the grow up and mature if there parents are still providing. How do they learn to trust themselves when they never have had a chance? How do we learn to completely trust God when everything is given to us by our own merit? In order to mature as a Christian, you need to be okay with mystery. You need to be okay with to holding onto God's promises when nothing outside of God that is affirming it to be true. At the cross, all Jesus had was God...
Part of being a Christian is accepting the mystery of Christ, I am (we are) too quick to label what God is doing, just accept that you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in 2 Corinthians 1, Paul asks for strength to know the mystery of God, this guy new His mystery quite well! 


Lastly, just laugh when crazy things occur. It does not always have to be disappointing, it can be quite humorous.

Call back to prayer

After writing that last post and I reminded of my number one duty...Prayer. Therefore, I will be committing a significant portion of my week to prayer.

The Lord reminded me of the chapter he gave me for this year

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
    he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
    and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
     and the day of vengeance of our God;
    to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
     to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
    the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
    they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
    the devastations of many generations.

Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks;
    foreigners shall be your plowmen and vinedressers;
but you shall be called the priests of the Lord;
    they shall speak of you as the ministers of our God;
you shall eat the wealth of the nations,
    and in their glory you shall boast.
Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion;
    instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot;
therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion;
    they shall have everlasting joy.

For I the Lord love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrong;
I will faithfully give them their recompense,
     and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their offspring shall be known among the nations,
    and their descendants in the midst of the peoples;
all who see them shall acknowledge them,
    that they are an offspring the Lord has blessed.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
     and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
    and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
    to sprout up before all the nations.

so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. For you know quite well that we are destined for them.

This past week was not my favorite at all. An apartment that I was hoping for fell through and my desire to live alone before I get married seems to becoming a fantasy. A church that loved my idea of a coffee shop decided to start one without me because they do not want to wait... I am thankful for putting up a boundary and choosing to not spend my first year of marriage starting a coffee shop that we are very ill-prepared for. Lastly, my fundraising is not going well and I seem to have lost my motivation to continue fundraising. I am out of people and people who seemed to commit are having trouble calling me back. So now I wrestle with getting a part time job and hoping I can use community building skills in a coffee shop environment (I have in fact always wanted to work at coffee shop and if I want to open one one day I need to start somewhere. 


To be honest, I spent most of the week being angry and not wanted to pursue God. Isolated and distracted myself. The reality is that in the past few months a lot of hurtful things have happened and the unfortunate thing is that most of the hurtful things have come from other Christians. I am praying for the strength to forgive some things and realizing I have hard time letting go. 


Now anger towards God is not necessary a bad thing because of sin this world is full of brokenness and broken promises. How do I deal with these things? How do I remain thankful in the midst of disappointment? How do I let go of what I want. 


At the height of my annoyance and anger the Lord gave me these verses 1 thes. 3:2-4 ² We sent Timothy, who is our brother and co-worker in God’s service in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith, ³ so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. For you know quite well that we are destined for them. ⁴ In fact, when we were with you, we kept telling you that we would be persecuted. And it turned out that way, as you well know. 

The question is how to remain faithful with nothing in your life make sense. The Lord has stripped me away for 75% of the things that made me secure (community left, PTL!) I am learning what it like to completely be at the mercy of God. This week revealed to me that when a lot of things do not go my why, I lose faith in the whole process. I completely forgot how the Lord has provided for me throughout my whole life. My life is not over if I have to live another 6 months with a roommate and I am thankful St. Petersburg is advancing God's kingdom by opening a coffee shop. I am thankful that my voice sparked an interest and bless that. No matter what happens I want to hold true to my beliefs that God is close to the brokenhearted and that I am for God's kingdom and however that looks, I am for it.


OOOOOPS. 


The only guarantee in this life is Christ and because I am in ministry I think I deserve an easyness. The reality is that since of I have started this ministry I have been faced with a lot of shizzzzz and most of the chaos deal with my own sin. Christianity is based the belief that God has your best interest and he understands the sorrow way better than I do (Um...the cross). 


Oswald Chambers is not always spot on but today's post sums up my current state.

11

2012

Come to Me . . . —Matthew 11:28

Where sin and sorrow stops, and the song of the saint starts. Do I really want to get there? I can right now. The questions that truly matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by these words— “Come to Me.” Our Lord’s words are not, “Do this, or don’t do that,” but— “Come to me.” If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires. I will actually cease from sin, and will find the song of the Lord beginning in my life.

Have you ever come to Jesus? Look at the stubbornness of your heart. You would rather do anything than this one simple childlike thing— “Come to Me.” (YUP THIS WAS EXACTLY TRUE) If you really want to experience ceasing from sin, you must come to Jesus.

Jesus Christ makes Himself the test to determine your genuineness. Look how He used the word come. At the most unexpected moments in your life there is this whisper of the Lord— “Come to Me,” and you are immediately drawn to Him (Saturday night, he whispered!) Personal contact with Jesus changes everything. Be “foolish” enough to come and commit yourself to what He says. The attitude necessary for you to come to Him is one where your will has made the determination to let go of everything and deliberately commit it all to Him.

“. . . and I will give you rest”— that is, “I will sustain you, causing you to stand firm.” He is not saying, “I will put you to bed, hold your hand, and sing you to sleep.” But, in essence, He is saying, “I will get you out of bed— out of your listlessness and exhaustion, and out of your condition of being half dead while you are still alive. I will penetrate you with the spirit of life, and you will be sustained by the perfection of vital activity.” Yet we become so weak and pitiful and talk about “suffering” the will of the Lord! Where is the majestic vitality and the power of the Son of God in that?

JunWhere sin and sorrow stops, and the song of the saint starts. Do I really want to get there? I can right now. The questions that truly matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by these words— “Come to Me.” Our Lord’s words are not, “Do this, or don’t do that,” but— “Come to me.” If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires. I will actually cease from sin, and will find the song of the Lord beginning in my life.

To have a better understanding of what this ministry is about and why I am passionate about it, Click on this link http://ge.tt/4KH7iUI/v/0

All I know is that my life has been dramatically different since I have taken a leap of faith and trusted God against all my understanding.
Despite not being fully-funded the Lord has met all of my needs the last 4 months. I have never felt so much freedom from my schedule and from money. The things that I currently rule my life go against everything I believe to be "safe" yet there is this unexplained peace that reigns. Philippains 4:7 conveys this: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
It has led me to believe that the Holy Spirit reigns outside the lines of logic, but it impact and power cannot be ignored by one's logic.

God will show up when one seek his kingdom above all else


Oswald Chambers understands this.

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you —Matthew 6:33

When we look at these words of Jesus, we immediately find them to be the most revolutionary that human ears have ever heard. “. . . seek first the kingdom of God . . . .” Even the most spiritually-minded of us argue the exact opposite, saying, “But I must live; I must make a certain amount of money; I must be clothed; I must be fed.” The great concern of our lives is not the kingdom of God but how we are going to take care of ourselves to live. Jesus reversed the order by telling us to get the right relationship with God first, maintaining it as the primary concern of our lives, and never to place our concern on taking care of the other things of life.
“. . . do not worry about your life. . .” (Matthew 6:25). Our Lord pointed out that from His standpoint it is absolutely unreasonable for us to be anxious, worrying about how we will live. Jesus did not say that the person who takes no thought for anything in his life is blessed— no, that person is a fool. But Jesus did teach that His disciple must make his relationship with God the dominating focus of his life, and to be cautiously carefree about everything else in comparison to that. In essence, Jesus was saying, “Don’t make food and drink the controlling factor of your life, but be focused absolutely on God.” Some people are careless about what they eat and drink, and they suffer for it; they are careless about what they wear, having no business looking the way they do; they are careless with their earthly matters, and God holds them responsible. Jesus is saying that the greatest concern of life is to place our relationship with God first, and everything else second.
It is one of the most difficult, yet critical, disciplines of the Christian life to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us into absolute harmony with the teaching of Jesus in these verses.

I can only help if you stay, but you're not are you?

God has given me time back. He has freed my schedule up so that I am available to those who need it. It has been a humbling experience and taking several months for me to come to terms with the face that my time is not my own. It never has been and it never will be. Because of this I am more aware of the things that are happening before me: I more available to pursue people harder, I more available to pray for those who mourn, I am more available to face my own emotions, and unfortunately I am more available to be hurt by those around. Most importantly though, I am available to do my one task that was asked of me...to remain in Christ always. Through this process of surrendering I am beginning to understand that God really is close to the brokenhearted because God is making me more and more aware of the brokennes around me. He has given me a burden for those around me, he has called me into entering the pain, into reestablishing friendships, taking risks to reach out to those who are difficult and he has called me embrace my own brokenness.

Now I will talk about some of my experiences in this season of being available. A lot of people ask me what the number one issue I see among the women that I encounter and it is the issue of not having community.

Recently, I discussed with a friend a phenomenon that is occurring around me. At least once a week, the Lord places someone on my heart to reach out to. It usually has been about 2-5 years since I have talked to the person. Initially we chit chat about random life occurrence then all of sudden the woman on the phone will open up about their life. They lack community, their relationship with the Lord is in shambles, and their jobs is nothing like they thought it would be. This actually happened last week and for the first time I just asked the person "why are you telling me all this because you did not have to."These conversation completely align with the ministry God has called me to do and I will admit that I immediately believe that I will be the one that reconciles them. I am called to listen, encourage, and guide these women. At the end of these phone calls I always suggest to talk regular and the person seems excited, but the weeks go by, I try texting or calling and we do not talk again. I can only help those who stay.

Now I know a struggle that I have is underestimating what God is doing in between things and underestimating the impact that one phone call had them. An earlier post describes how rarely my expecatation alight with the Lords. I also know that the Lord has called me to diligently prayer for these women because the Lord has turned my heart towards the brokenhearted.


 Now I have no idea what the Lord is doing but it is clear that he is showing me the desperate need for community. He has given me clear examples of the downward spiral when someone steps out of it. He has given me a case study of why it is so hard to find and it is happening those around me.

I look forward to processing this more.

Apparently, I needed Him

15 months ago I was adamant about never getting married. I was independent woman who did not need a man. After experiencing the demolition of my parents marriage and seeing countless action films where the guy loses complete focus to save the girl (have you ever noticed how much destruction the hero creates in pursuit of the damsel in distress? Sometimes several hundred people die for her to be saved) Anyways, I was determined to never be controlled by a man. 15 months ago I was on a path,  a mission to be self-sustainable. No one but God had power in my life. Then I met Michael. I would say Michael blindsided me. When people ask what to do to meet men, I honestly say I do not know. I was not looking, I was not obsessing over anyone, I was not going to 34920349204 parties in order for someone to notice.  I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS! Also, I would like to add that sometimes we believe the lie that God is punishing us or we need to learn something before He will provide someone. I do not think it works that way. Dating should never be an idol or become safety net. Back to this story... I went to a party on Feb 16, 2011. I remember being annoyed because this party was very much out of my way (I have a thing about efficiency and I have to be efficient in my driving path) At this party Michael asked me for my number, I did not think much of it until I got home. I mentioned what happened and one of my roommates exploded with excitement. All of sudden she finds him on facebook and we look at every single picture he has. Her excitement did get me a tiny bit more excited. Then my other roommate who is dating Michael's roommate informed her boyfriend about the situation. Needless to say Michael called me shortly after that. We fell immediately madly in love and never had any problems. Now here we are engaged...the end.

HAHA!

Well, it was not that easy. Both Michael and I realized we had not dated in high school. A lot of guarded-ness had developed over the years and for me it was not easy to shut of my "independent I do not need anyone spirit" We both were set in our ways which we knew, but what we did not know is how selfish we both were. Now I do not want to speak for Michael, so I will just talk about my experience... To sum up the last 15 months is a self-righteous woman becoming very aware of her sinfulness specifically in area of pride and selfishness. Cary without Michael was rarely called out on her crap, she was great friend, loyal, trustworthy, great listener, intentional, affirming, but Cary with Michael was an absolute mess. Dating Michael brought out the underlining layers of these "good" qualities. He brought out my Hard hearted, controlling, selfishness, and my inflated ego. I did not want Michael to affect my emotions. Michael became my mirror which did not go over well. After much pushing and pulling I finally realized how much better life was with Michael. He slowed me down and made me feel more secure in who I am.His gentle and kindness slowly chipped away at my cold, black heart (dramatized). Michael is brave, patient, gentle man.

The reason I share this is because dating Michael has given me a better understanding of the Gospel.  For most of my life I have not understood grace and God's kindness. Kindness draws us in. Michael's kindness mirrored what God has been trying to show me for the past 25 years... God was not mad at me! I need to stop trying to please him! Christ died for that already! I do not deserve grace, there is nothing I can do to get, out of His kindness, love and mercy He has given it to me. God gave me a tangible example of the power of His love and for that I am thankful. Its transformative!

Another reason why I share this is dating should never be taken lightly or forced upon. Dating and marriage is hard work. Believe me I tried to break up with Michael 3 times. In the Christian culture is not much different than in the world. this pressure that there is something wrong with you if you are not dating. It seems to be the default conversation, "are you dating someone?" I am sorry but Jesus did not date! He was Jesus! I am sure Mary put pressure on him so she could have grand kids, but Jesus never allowed that to distract him. He never had to prove himself to anyone because his identity rested only in God. For marriage, I do not believe there is a formula, everyone's story is different. What I do know is that it is important to hold on to the promise of God's goodness. He has something beautiful planned and its way better than you expect.  

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait^(C) for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. Psalms 27:13-14 (I am obsessed with this chapter)

Lastly, if the relationship is not helping you grow closer to God, its not worth it. Its that simple.

P.S. I love Michael but He aint perfect either. Yay for sanctification! 

Okay fine you know me better than I know myself

Does God work this way? Please send me comments on what you think.

As I look back on this journey, I am in awe of how God works in our best interest and how He knows how to keep me interested, and he knows what is needed for me to continue this journey.

The story of how this ministry got started goes this way. Proactive, practical Cary started praying hard and meeting with people in the community to figure out what was next.   In August, I met with a respected career professor to explore my options.  As I told my professor about my passion for women, mentoring, spiritual formation, my professor opened my eyes to the ministry route. When I grumbled about support raising, she said "swallow it" and I did. This set me on path of becoming open-minded to support raising. God shifted my mind set to becoming okay with the dreaded support raising. She led me to an organization (which will remain nameless), that mentored men and women in the city of Denver. The organization focused on city life and bridging the gap between the church and the city. I met with this organization for 3 months straight and they were excited for me to join their team. The affirmed my giftings and my skills. As this process went on, the Lord did a lot in my heart. I developed a deeper passion for women's ministry, I reconciled a lot in my mind about support raising, and for the first time, I developed an excitement for my calling. I researched the 20s-30s something group and developed a big heart for my generation and living the gospel out through authentic relationships.

Everything seemed to align, then the snag happened...

 The organization dropped the ball. They called me to say they may be moving and that affected my position,  and they were not sure what was happening and they were sorry. Keep in mind this was a day before I was going home to support raise and I had meeting set up with about 6 people. God had prepared me for this phone call--the night before this "Snag" God gave me Isaiah 61 and proclaimed this chapter over me. The next morning at my  weekly prayer meeting, I feared something was going on with the organization and questioned my calling, but everyone there confirmed this is what God has called me to do. So when I got that phone call, I told them this is what God has me doing and I cannot reconcile it not working out, someone has given me a free office, people are excited. I have never been so bold (and maybe this is why they have not called me back) Despite my tears and frustration, I was overwhelmed with peace. I felt God telling me to keep going and so I did. I went home and continued to meet with people, talking about my passions, what I see, and what God is calling me to do. Despite not having an organization to do this through people responded, people wanted to support me, and people trusted in God's calling on my life. I was overwhelmed with joy, not one person told me I could not do it. I came back to Denver and my pastor offered to use the Church's non-profit status to be the umbrella for this ministry. It was that easy.

Now its 4 months later... and as I look back on this journey I realized God continues to give me enough information to persevere. This journey is not fun. God knows me so well that he knew I needed an organization, a structure to kick start this passion for women. God knew I needed an office, Isaiah 61 and a community to remain hopeful when the organization fell through, God knew I needed him to completely shut the door on the organization for me to take a step of faith with my church, God knew I needed people to commit to financially supporting me before I got back to Denver. God provided enough information to keep me going. And God continues to increase my faith, to give me glimmers of hope to keep me focused in this unknown time.

Currently, I am in Florida support raising and this trip is not exactly what I thought. I was nervous about what my time would look like, but God provided big time on Day 1 of my trip which has given me peace throughout the trip. On my first day of the trip, I had a sweet meeting with a pastor who is trying to get his church to support me and then my mom was at lunch with an old friend (who I have never met nor heard of) and she wrote me a personal check $500 because she believed in what I was doing. These victories on the first day I have helped me remain faithful this past week in the midst of not getting much financial affirmation from others. God does know me well, He  knew I needed confidence in the beginning to kept me going and today I got 2 new supporters!


Does God work this way? I believe if we become thankful in all circumstances you will see He does. This is how God relates to me because this is how I operate. He gives us me enough to keep going and nothing that happens is a mistake.

Expectations

Expectations are tricky and they usually lead to discontentment.

This ministry goes against all of my expectation, God has basically thrown them out. As a practical person this can put me on the edge because literary nothing makes sense. A woman who has never met me, hands my mom a check for $500 after she heard about what I was doing. The next day, a woman who I expected to be a high monthly donor, who has known me for 10 years, gives me 100 dollar bill. Its so hard to resist being angry, sad, let down, but my expectation was not based on truth. It was based on a assumption. It is what I assumed. I assume a stranger would be unwilling to give and I assume someone who knows and respects me will give a lot. For my practical, logical mind these equations make sense. I want to trust God wholeheartedly, but how do I give up the expectation that I place on people and on God. How can I be thankful for 100 dollar gift instead gripping about what I thought the amount would be? These are things I do not understand, but one thing I do understand is that God' will and my expectations do not seem to match. My deep desires seem to match God, but the means of getting there, do not.

I will continue to wrestle with this.

And after writing this I read this

Can a Saint Falsely Accuse God?

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Apr

20

2012

All the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen . . . —2 Corinthians 1:20

Jesus’ parable of the talents recorded in Matthew 25:14-30  was a warning that it is possible for us to misjudge our capacities. This parable has nothing to do with natural gifts and abilities, but relates to the gift of the Holy Spirit as He was first given at Pentecost. We must never measure our spiritual capacity on the basis of our education or our intellect; our capacity in spiritual things is measured on the basis of the promises of God. If we get less than God wants us to have, we will falsely accuse Him as the servant falsely accused his master when he said, “You expect more of me than you gave me the power to do. You demand too much of me, and I cannot stand true to you here where you have placed me.” When it is a question of God’s Almighty Spirit, never say, “I can’t.” Never allow the limitation of your own natural ability to enter into the matter. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be exhibited in us.

The servant justified himself, while condemning his lord on every point, as if to say, “Your demand on me is way out of proportion to what you gave to me.” Have we been falsely accusing God by daring to worry after He has said, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you”? (Matthew 6:33). Worrying means exactly what this servant implied— “I know your intent is to leave me unprotected and vulnerable.” A person who is lazy in the natural realm is always critical, saying, “I haven’t had a decent chance,” and someone who is lazy in the spiritual realm is critical of God. Lazy people always strike out at others in an independent way.

Never forget that our capacity and capability in spiritual matters is measured by, and based on, the promises of God. Is God able to fulfill His promises? Our answer depends on whether or not we have received the Holy Spirit.

Encouragement over Dogs...

This past week, I hosted a fundraiser  at Chick Fil-A (I know I am a big deal). The lady who was setting me up asked me what my sign should say to attract people/communicate my cause and immediately said "free puppies and kittens" I know the value of animals because I see it whenever I go to a park.

Recently, I was at a park observing the people around me and I noticed something that I did not want to admit to before...owning a dog creates community. I saw a woman across the park yell to another woman, "Hey, can our dogs meet? I imagined myself without a dog yelling something similar, "Hey, I want to met you!!!!!" Sound a little creepy (just a little) when there is no dog involved. I continued to observe the women as their dogs sniffed each other and then they themselves connected. These women, like many people, have found a loop hole in putting themselves out there, there dogs had become their strength to build community.

It was a pretty cool to watch this unfold, but then I remember I have NO desire to get a dog. When I see dogs I see dollar signs, pee stains, and a vacuum cleaner. Puppies can't even get this cold, black heart to turn warm, but it seems to work...

For now I will stick to coffee and being awkward

all things Christian

After reading a magazine that was sent to me by Lifeway Christian bookstore, I determined that it is possible to buy only Christian things and in turn you can speed up the sanctification process and maybe save a neighbor of two. And if you were wondering...of course Satan trembles when he sees a cross wall clock, or a welcome mats with bible verses, and he would never touch a bed with sheets and pillow cases embroidered with Christian sayings. If we want protection we must only buy things with bible verses on it ;)

http://www.lifeway.com/

If you have never seen the magazine here are some things that you can buy to clutter your house and maybe if you buy enough christian things, your whole house will be sanctified??? At least, I hope so these things are expensive.  Lifeway sells mugs, jewelry, candles tea sets, pens, pencils, notebooks, journel, christian movies with cheesy titles (the shuning) picture frames, posters, t-shirts, lamps, and to top if off Jesus candy and gum. Most of these items are cluttered with overused verses that are way out of context. 

As I was flipping through this I could not help but giggle...Christians are funny! I am reminded about Jesus turning the tables of the people selling in front of the church and just maybe these Christian stores are not much different than that. 

a fun blog to read is this

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/

Walk on...

Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16


The story of Abraham and Isaac has come up several times in the past weeks. God promises Abraham a son and that his line will multiply tremendously. Then God ask the unthinkable from Abraham, sacrifice Isaac. Without questioning God or complaining, Abraham does it. He takes Isaac up to the mountain, Isaac even new something was not right. The words Abraham said to Isaac is a perfect example of complete dependence, "God will provide" Abraham knew what God has promised, he new that someway God will fulfill it, even if it did not look like what he thought it would look like. His identity was not in Isaac, it was in God that is why he could give up Isaac.

This season has brought out a lot of my flesh: insecurities, strongholds, idols, anxiety, yet there is this unexplained peace and desire to persevere. Over the last three weeks, I have found myself becoming frustrated, fearful, and full of doubts, Will God provide what he promised? This is a question many of us ask.  The answer is yes, but it will not look the way you expect.

 This is something I may wrestle with (to some degree) throughout this ministry. Things that have become strongholds: I have been taking it personally when people do not call me back and if they do not give. God pointed out on Monday that my worth was tied up in this ministry. The "success" of it mattered too much to my self-esteem and it was leading me to a downward spiral. It has been three weeks since a new donor has signed up, it had been three weeks since my thermometer chart as grown, therefore instead of turning to God in thankfulness, I begin to cling to things I knew...isolation, independence, hard heartedness, distractions, bitterness, judgments, and anger. I am thankful that I am able to discern between my flesh and God's voice so this spiral did not last long, but it reminded me that I have a long way to go

  God has brought me to a new level of faith,a new level of dependence and when things get scary I still turn to the world. I get distracted by the possible and ignore the impossible. I get distracted by what I see and not what is unseen. Do I believe when God calls me to be pray for someone, that something is happening far more important than me actually talking to them? Do I believe that God is increasing my income even when I am not be affirmed by new donors. Do I believe God is raising up people to partner with me, he is pruning them, and the timing is not quite right yet? How do I remain faithful when I don't see much happening? Then, I realized I need too much affirmation for people and things around me. This journey will be at times lonely, God is bringing me to place that my only hope is Him.



What I do know (because I feel it) is God is pruning me...

 I am different than 3 months ago. I am seeing God work in miraculous ways. I am more aware of his presence in my daily life.  
Recently, I read the verse Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16. Immediately
it brought me freedom. I can only be held accountable for what I have attained. Somethings that I have not attained: taking people inconsistencies not personal, asking people for money without fear, being totally dependent on God, allowing people completely into my internal process, and finding my worth in Christ alone. It is okay that this hard, it is okay that I have no idea what to do, it is okay that I do not know how to trust God's provision. This verse gave me a new freedom, a freedom that got me through another week and for this I am thankful

Song of this year. Please listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC0WoJfYA2E
Don't be distracted by the corny graphic on this video.

That was awkward but now I know your name

The statement above sums up how I meet people. On Thursdays, I hang out at a local coffee shop called Pablo's and there I begin to awkwardly insert myself into the community by saying compliments: Cool hair, nice boots, cute outfit, nice tats, you seemed so focused I admire that, your kid is beautiful or by asking questions: new glasses? haircut? Whatcha readin? Can I help with that crossword? what's your name? are you in a band? or simple statements: wow what a beautiful day, hi, hey, sooo... 

 I have to say one awkward statement to get an in. After my comment, I get a weird look but then I get an answer or a smile and I'm in, I'm free to ask what they do, how they are, where they are from and sometimes I get to give them my card. 

People ask me how I meet people I mentor or potential donors and I say one awkward comment at a time :) 

Other awkward things that happen at my job

Blind-networking- Are you John? Are you John? 

Now that I know people's names, some people find it creepy. One conversation with a Starbucks barista: Hi Carolyn. Do you work here...? No, We meet last week. Oh... (and looks away)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine...Ephesians 3:20

This season of understanding God as a provider has been eye opening. I have realized that this is the first time I have had to fully rely on God. I really have to put aside my pride, my desire to be "independent", my fear of asking for money, and my idea of what having faith means.

I have been humbled. I have realized once again that I love control and literally God has brought me to a place of total dependence on Him. Two weeks ago I was really struggling with support raising, the fear of asking for help took over. I was running around town, filling my schedule with meaningless things to only realize I needed to only turn to Him. It was really that simple. As soon as I did that, people started returning my calls, sending in checks, and God puts names in my head to contact. All I had to do was abide Him. Surrender my fear. Admit that I am weak. I could only boast in Him because the only thing I did differently was pray specifically for the funds to come in.

I was reading "Funding My Ministry" by Scott Mortan and his word struck me. I am asking people to give vertically not horizontally. I was believing they were giving to me and not the kingdom...and that is why fear was running so rampant. This is not about me. It is about God. It always has been and it I need to deny myself daily. Give my budget over to him every morning.

God is aware of my needs, he is not oblivious and God is a God of unlimited resources.

Prayer
Lord...I ask you for my $30,000 budget. I ask that you grant me it, that you teach me patience and faith when in it. Help me to know you as  God the provider. Give me strength to live out this calling and provide people Lord that will make this possible. I boast only in you Lord.

Prespective

Obedience to the "Heavenly Vision"

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Mar

11

2012

I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision —Acts 26:19

If we lose “the heavenly vision” God has given us, we alone are responsible— not God. We lose the vision because of our own lack of spiritual growth. If we do not apply our beliefs about God to the issues of everyday life, the vision God has given us will never be fulfilled. The only way to be obedient to “the heavenly vision” is to give our utmost for His highest— our best for His glory. This can be accomplished only when we make a determination to continually remember God’s vision. But the acid test is obedience to the vision in the details of our everyday life— sixty seconds out of every minute, and sixty minutes out of every hour, not just during times of personal prayer or public meetings.

“Though it tarries, wait for it . . .” (Habakkuk 2:3). We cannot bring the vision to fulfillment through our own efforts, but must live under its inspiration until it fulfills itself. We try to be so practical that we forget the vision. At the very beginning we saw the vision but did not wait for it. We rushed off to do our practical work, and once the vision was fulfilled we could no longer even see it. Waiting for a vision that “tarries” is the true test of our faithfulness to God. It is at the risk of our own soul’s welfare that we get caught up in practical busy-work, only to miss the fulfillment of the vision.

Watch for the storms of God. The only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms. Will you be proven to be an empty pod with no seed inside? That will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of the vision you have seen. Let God send you out through His storm, and don’t go until He does. If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will “bear much fruit” (John 15:8).

It is essential that we live and “walk in the light” of God’s vision for us (1 John 1:7).

Amen. My job is to only abide in Him.