Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16
The story of Abraham and Isaac has come up several times in the past weeks. God promises Abraham a son and that his line will multiply tremendously. Then God ask the unthinkable from Abraham, sacrifice Isaac. Without questioning God or complaining, Abraham does it. He takes Isaac up to the mountain, Isaac even new something was not right. The words Abraham said to Isaac is a perfect example of complete dependence, "God will provide" Abraham knew what God has promised, he new that someway God will fulfill it, even if it did not look like what he thought it would look like. His identity was not in Isaac, it was in God that is why he could give up Isaac.
This season has brought out a lot of my flesh: insecurities, strongholds, idols, anxiety, yet there is this unexplained peace and desire to persevere. Over the last three weeks, I have found myself becoming frustrated, fearful, and full of doubts, Will God provide what he promised? This is a question many of us ask. The answer is yes, but it will not look the way you expect.
This is something I may wrestle with (to some degree) throughout this ministry. Things that have become strongholds: I have been taking it personally when people do not call me back and if they do not give. God pointed out on Monday that my worth was tied up in this ministry. The "success" of it mattered too much to my self-esteem and it was leading me to a downward spiral. It has been three weeks since a new donor has signed up, it had been three weeks since my thermometer chart as grown, therefore instead of turning to God in thankfulness, I begin to cling to things I knew...isolation, independence, hard heartedness, distractions, bitterness, judgments, and anger. I am thankful that I am able to discern between my flesh and God's voice so this spiral did not last long, but it reminded me that I have a long way to go
God has brought me to a new level of faith,a new level of dependence and when things get scary I still turn to the world. I get distracted by the possible and ignore the impossible. I get distracted by what I see and not what is unseen. Do I believe when God calls me to be pray for someone, that something is happening far more important than me actually talking to them? Do I believe that God is increasing my income even when I am not be affirmed by new donors. Do I believe God is raising up people to partner with me, he is pruning them, and the timing is not quite right yet? How do I remain faithful when I don't see much happening? Then, I realized I need too much affirmation for people and things around me. This journey will be at times lonely, God is bringing me to place that my only hope is Him.
What I do know (because I feel it) is God is pruning me...
I am different than 3 months ago. I am seeing God work in miraculous ways. I am more aware of his presence in my daily life.
Recently, I read the verse Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16. Immediately
it brought me freedom. I can only be held accountable for what I have attained. Somethings that I have not attained: taking people inconsistencies not personal, asking people for money without fear, being totally dependent on God, allowing people completely into my internal process, and finding my worth in Christ alone. It is okay that this hard, it is okay that I have no idea what to do, it is okay that I do not know how to trust God's provision. This verse gave me a new freedom, a freedom that got me through another week and for this I am thankful
Song of this year. Please listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC0WoJfYA2E
Don't be distracted by the corny graphic on this video.
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