I can only help if you stay, but you're not are you?

God has given me time back. He has freed my schedule up so that I am available to those who need it. It has been a humbling experience and taking several months for me to come to terms with the face that my time is not my own. It never has been and it never will be. Because of this I am more aware of the things that are happening before me: I more available to pursue people harder, I more available to pray for those who mourn, I am more available to face my own emotions, and unfortunately I am more available to be hurt by those around. Most importantly though, I am available to do my one task that was asked of me...to remain in Christ always. Through this process of surrendering I am beginning to understand that God really is close to the brokenhearted because God is making me more and more aware of the brokennes around me. He has given me a burden for those around me, he has called me into entering the pain, into reestablishing friendships, taking risks to reach out to those who are difficult and he has called me embrace my own brokenness.

Now I will talk about some of my experiences in this season of being available. A lot of people ask me what the number one issue I see among the women that I encounter and it is the issue of not having community.

Recently, I discussed with a friend a phenomenon that is occurring around me. At least once a week, the Lord places someone on my heart to reach out to. It usually has been about 2-5 years since I have talked to the person. Initially we chit chat about random life occurrence then all of sudden the woman on the phone will open up about their life. They lack community, their relationship with the Lord is in shambles, and their jobs is nothing like they thought it would be. This actually happened last week and for the first time I just asked the person "why are you telling me all this because you did not have to."These conversation completely align with the ministry God has called me to do and I will admit that I immediately believe that I will be the one that reconciles them. I am called to listen, encourage, and guide these women. At the end of these phone calls I always suggest to talk regular and the person seems excited, but the weeks go by, I try texting or calling and we do not talk again. I can only help those who stay.

Now I know a struggle that I have is underestimating what God is doing in between things and underestimating the impact that one phone call had them. An earlier post describes how rarely my expecatation alight with the Lords. I also know that the Lord has called me to diligently prayer for these women because the Lord has turned my heart towards the brokenhearted.


 Now I have no idea what the Lord is doing but it is clear that he is showing me the desperate need for community. He has given me clear examples of the downward spiral when someone steps out of it. He has given me a case study of why it is so hard to find and it is happening those around me.

I look forward to processing this more.

Apparently, I needed Him

15 months ago I was adamant about never getting married. I was independent woman who did not need a man. After experiencing the demolition of my parents marriage and seeing countless action films where the guy loses complete focus to save the girl (have you ever noticed how much destruction the hero creates in pursuit of the damsel in distress? Sometimes several hundred people die for her to be saved) Anyways, I was determined to never be controlled by a man. 15 months ago I was on a path,  a mission to be self-sustainable. No one but God had power in my life. Then I met Michael. I would say Michael blindsided me. When people ask what to do to meet men, I honestly say I do not know. I was not looking, I was not obsessing over anyone, I was not going to 34920349204 parties in order for someone to notice.  I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS! Also, I would like to add that sometimes we believe the lie that God is punishing us or we need to learn something before He will provide someone. I do not think it works that way. Dating should never be an idol or become safety net. Back to this story... I went to a party on Feb 16, 2011. I remember being annoyed because this party was very much out of my way (I have a thing about efficiency and I have to be efficient in my driving path) At this party Michael asked me for my number, I did not think much of it until I got home. I mentioned what happened and one of my roommates exploded with excitement. All of sudden she finds him on facebook and we look at every single picture he has. Her excitement did get me a tiny bit more excited. Then my other roommate who is dating Michael's roommate informed her boyfriend about the situation. Needless to say Michael called me shortly after that. We fell immediately madly in love and never had any problems. Now here we are engaged...the end.

HAHA!

Well, it was not that easy. Both Michael and I realized we had not dated in high school. A lot of guarded-ness had developed over the years and for me it was not easy to shut of my "independent I do not need anyone spirit" We both were set in our ways which we knew, but what we did not know is how selfish we both were. Now I do not want to speak for Michael, so I will just talk about my experience... To sum up the last 15 months is a self-righteous woman becoming very aware of her sinfulness specifically in area of pride and selfishness. Cary without Michael was rarely called out on her crap, she was great friend, loyal, trustworthy, great listener, intentional, affirming, but Cary with Michael was an absolute mess. Dating Michael brought out the underlining layers of these "good" qualities. He brought out my Hard hearted, controlling, selfishness, and my inflated ego. I did not want Michael to affect my emotions. Michael became my mirror which did not go over well. After much pushing and pulling I finally realized how much better life was with Michael. He slowed me down and made me feel more secure in who I am.His gentle and kindness slowly chipped away at my cold, black heart (dramatized). Michael is brave, patient, gentle man.

The reason I share this is because dating Michael has given me a better understanding of the Gospel.  For most of my life I have not understood grace and God's kindness. Kindness draws us in. Michael's kindness mirrored what God has been trying to show me for the past 25 years... God was not mad at me! I need to stop trying to please him! Christ died for that already! I do not deserve grace, there is nothing I can do to get, out of His kindness, love and mercy He has given it to me. God gave me a tangible example of the power of His love and for that I am thankful. Its transformative!

Another reason why I share this is dating should never be taken lightly or forced upon. Dating and marriage is hard work. Believe me I tried to break up with Michael 3 times. In the Christian culture is not much different than in the world. this pressure that there is something wrong with you if you are not dating. It seems to be the default conversation, "are you dating someone?" I am sorry but Jesus did not date! He was Jesus! I am sure Mary put pressure on him so she could have grand kids, but Jesus never allowed that to distract him. He never had to prove himself to anyone because his identity rested only in God. For marriage, I do not believe there is a formula, everyone's story is different. What I do know is that it is important to hold on to the promise of God's goodness. He has something beautiful planned and its way better than you expect.  

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait^(C) for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. Psalms 27:13-14 (I am obsessed with this chapter)

Lastly, if the relationship is not helping you grow closer to God, its not worth it. Its that simple.

P.S. I love Michael but He aint perfect either. Yay for sanctification! 

Okay fine you know me better than I know myself

Does God work this way? Please send me comments on what you think.

As I look back on this journey, I am in awe of how God works in our best interest and how He knows how to keep me interested, and he knows what is needed for me to continue this journey.

The story of how this ministry got started goes this way. Proactive, practical Cary started praying hard and meeting with people in the community to figure out what was next.   In August, I met with a respected career professor to explore my options.  As I told my professor about my passion for women, mentoring, spiritual formation, my professor opened my eyes to the ministry route. When I grumbled about support raising, she said "swallow it" and I did. This set me on path of becoming open-minded to support raising. God shifted my mind set to becoming okay with the dreaded support raising. She led me to an organization (which will remain nameless), that mentored men and women in the city of Denver. The organization focused on city life and bridging the gap between the church and the city. I met with this organization for 3 months straight and they were excited for me to join their team. The affirmed my giftings and my skills. As this process went on, the Lord did a lot in my heart. I developed a deeper passion for women's ministry, I reconciled a lot in my mind about support raising, and for the first time, I developed an excitement for my calling. I researched the 20s-30s something group and developed a big heart for my generation and living the gospel out through authentic relationships.

Everything seemed to align, then the snag happened...

 The organization dropped the ball. They called me to say they may be moving and that affected my position,  and they were not sure what was happening and they were sorry. Keep in mind this was a day before I was going home to support raise and I had meeting set up with about 6 people. God had prepared me for this phone call--the night before this "Snag" God gave me Isaiah 61 and proclaimed this chapter over me. The next morning at my  weekly prayer meeting, I feared something was going on with the organization and questioned my calling, but everyone there confirmed this is what God has called me to do. So when I got that phone call, I told them this is what God has me doing and I cannot reconcile it not working out, someone has given me a free office, people are excited. I have never been so bold (and maybe this is why they have not called me back) Despite my tears and frustration, I was overwhelmed with peace. I felt God telling me to keep going and so I did. I went home and continued to meet with people, talking about my passions, what I see, and what God is calling me to do. Despite not having an organization to do this through people responded, people wanted to support me, and people trusted in God's calling on my life. I was overwhelmed with joy, not one person told me I could not do it. I came back to Denver and my pastor offered to use the Church's non-profit status to be the umbrella for this ministry. It was that easy.

Now its 4 months later... and as I look back on this journey I realized God continues to give me enough information to persevere. This journey is not fun. God knows me so well that he knew I needed an organization, a structure to kick start this passion for women. God knew I needed an office, Isaiah 61 and a community to remain hopeful when the organization fell through, God knew I needed him to completely shut the door on the organization for me to take a step of faith with my church, God knew I needed people to commit to financially supporting me before I got back to Denver. God provided enough information to keep me going. And God continues to increase my faith, to give me glimmers of hope to keep me focused in this unknown time.

Currently, I am in Florida support raising and this trip is not exactly what I thought. I was nervous about what my time would look like, but God provided big time on Day 1 of my trip which has given me peace throughout the trip. On my first day of the trip, I had a sweet meeting with a pastor who is trying to get his church to support me and then my mom was at lunch with an old friend (who I have never met nor heard of) and she wrote me a personal check $500 because she believed in what I was doing. These victories on the first day I have helped me remain faithful this past week in the midst of not getting much financial affirmation from others. God does know me well, He  knew I needed confidence in the beginning to kept me going and today I got 2 new supporters!


Does God work this way? I believe if we become thankful in all circumstances you will see He does. This is how God relates to me because this is how I operate. He gives us me enough to keep going and nothing that happens is a mistake.

Expectations

Expectations are tricky and they usually lead to discontentment.

This ministry goes against all of my expectation, God has basically thrown them out. As a practical person this can put me on the edge because literary nothing makes sense. A woman who has never met me, hands my mom a check for $500 after she heard about what I was doing. The next day, a woman who I expected to be a high monthly donor, who has known me for 10 years, gives me 100 dollar bill. Its so hard to resist being angry, sad, let down, but my expectation was not based on truth. It was based on a assumption. It is what I assumed. I assume a stranger would be unwilling to give and I assume someone who knows and respects me will give a lot. For my practical, logical mind these equations make sense. I want to trust God wholeheartedly, but how do I give up the expectation that I place on people and on God. How can I be thankful for 100 dollar gift instead gripping about what I thought the amount would be? These are things I do not understand, but one thing I do understand is that God' will and my expectations do not seem to match. My deep desires seem to match God, but the means of getting there, do not.

I will continue to wrestle with this.

And after writing this I read this

Can a Saint Falsely Accuse God?

Text Size: Zoom In

Apr

20

2012

All the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen . . . —2 Corinthians 1:20

Jesus’ parable of the talents recorded in Matthew 25:14-30  was a warning that it is possible for us to misjudge our capacities. This parable has nothing to do with natural gifts and abilities, but relates to the gift of the Holy Spirit as He was first given at Pentecost. We must never measure our spiritual capacity on the basis of our education or our intellect; our capacity in spiritual things is measured on the basis of the promises of God. If we get less than God wants us to have, we will falsely accuse Him as the servant falsely accused his master when he said, “You expect more of me than you gave me the power to do. You demand too much of me, and I cannot stand true to you here where you have placed me.” When it is a question of God’s Almighty Spirit, never say, “I can’t.” Never allow the limitation of your own natural ability to enter into the matter. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be exhibited in us.

The servant justified himself, while condemning his lord on every point, as if to say, “Your demand on me is way out of proportion to what you gave to me.” Have we been falsely accusing God by daring to worry after He has said, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you”? (Matthew 6:33). Worrying means exactly what this servant implied— “I know your intent is to leave me unprotected and vulnerable.” A person who is lazy in the natural realm is always critical, saying, “I haven’t had a decent chance,” and someone who is lazy in the spiritual realm is critical of God. Lazy people always strike out at others in an independent way.

Never forget that our capacity and capability in spiritual matters is measured by, and based on, the promises of God. Is God able to fulfill His promises? Our answer depends on whether or not we have received the Holy Spirit.

Encouragement over Dogs...

This past week, I hosted a fundraiser  at Chick Fil-A (I know I am a big deal). The lady who was setting me up asked me what my sign should say to attract people/communicate my cause and immediately said "free puppies and kittens" I know the value of animals because I see it whenever I go to a park.

Recently, I was at a park observing the people around me and I noticed something that I did not want to admit to before...owning a dog creates community. I saw a woman across the park yell to another woman, "Hey, can our dogs meet? I imagined myself without a dog yelling something similar, "Hey, I want to met you!!!!!" Sound a little creepy (just a little) when there is no dog involved. I continued to observe the women as their dogs sniffed each other and then they themselves connected. These women, like many people, have found a loop hole in putting themselves out there, there dogs had become their strength to build community.

It was a pretty cool to watch this unfold, but then I remember I have NO desire to get a dog. When I see dogs I see dollar signs, pee stains, and a vacuum cleaner. Puppies can't even get this cold, black heart to turn warm, but it seems to work...

For now I will stick to coffee and being awkward

all things Christian

After reading a magazine that was sent to me by Lifeway Christian bookstore, I determined that it is possible to buy only Christian things and in turn you can speed up the sanctification process and maybe save a neighbor of two. And if you were wondering...of course Satan trembles when he sees a cross wall clock, or a welcome mats with bible verses, and he would never touch a bed with sheets and pillow cases embroidered with Christian sayings. If we want protection we must only buy things with bible verses on it ;)

http://www.lifeway.com/

If you have never seen the magazine here are some things that you can buy to clutter your house and maybe if you buy enough christian things, your whole house will be sanctified??? At least, I hope so these things are expensive.  Lifeway sells mugs, jewelry, candles tea sets, pens, pencils, notebooks, journel, christian movies with cheesy titles (the shuning) picture frames, posters, t-shirts, lamps, and to top if off Jesus candy and gum. Most of these items are cluttered with overused verses that are way out of context. 

As I was flipping through this I could not help but giggle...Christians are funny! I am reminded about Jesus turning the tables of the people selling in front of the church and just maybe these Christian stores are not much different than that. 

a fun blog to read is this

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/

Walk on...

Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16


The story of Abraham and Isaac has come up several times in the past weeks. God promises Abraham a son and that his line will multiply tremendously. Then God ask the unthinkable from Abraham, sacrifice Isaac. Without questioning God or complaining, Abraham does it. He takes Isaac up to the mountain, Isaac even new something was not right. The words Abraham said to Isaac is a perfect example of complete dependence, "God will provide" Abraham knew what God has promised, he new that someway God will fulfill it, even if it did not look like what he thought it would look like. His identity was not in Isaac, it was in God that is why he could give up Isaac.

This season has brought out a lot of my flesh: insecurities, strongholds, idols, anxiety, yet there is this unexplained peace and desire to persevere. Over the last three weeks, I have found myself becoming frustrated, fearful, and full of doubts, Will God provide what he promised? This is a question many of us ask.  The answer is yes, but it will not look the way you expect.

 This is something I may wrestle with (to some degree) throughout this ministry. Things that have become strongholds: I have been taking it personally when people do not call me back and if they do not give. God pointed out on Monday that my worth was tied up in this ministry. The "success" of it mattered too much to my self-esteem and it was leading me to a downward spiral. It has been three weeks since a new donor has signed up, it had been three weeks since my thermometer chart as grown, therefore instead of turning to God in thankfulness, I begin to cling to things I knew...isolation, independence, hard heartedness, distractions, bitterness, judgments, and anger. I am thankful that I am able to discern between my flesh and God's voice so this spiral did not last long, but it reminded me that I have a long way to go

  God has brought me to a new level of faith,a new level of dependence and when things get scary I still turn to the world. I get distracted by the possible and ignore the impossible. I get distracted by what I see and not what is unseen. Do I believe when God calls me to be pray for someone, that something is happening far more important than me actually talking to them? Do I believe that God is increasing my income even when I am not be affirmed by new donors. Do I believe God is raising up people to partner with me, he is pruning them, and the timing is not quite right yet? How do I remain faithful when I don't see much happening? Then, I realized I need too much affirmation for people and things around me. This journey will be at times lonely, God is bringing me to place that my only hope is Him.



What I do know (because I feel it) is God is pruning me...

 I am different than 3 months ago. I am seeing God work in miraculous ways. I am more aware of his presence in my daily life.  
Recently, I read the verse Only let us live up to what we already attained- phil. 3:16. Immediately
it brought me freedom. I can only be held accountable for what I have attained. Somethings that I have not attained: taking people inconsistencies not personal, asking people for money without fear, being totally dependent on God, allowing people completely into my internal process, and finding my worth in Christ alone. It is okay that this hard, it is okay that I have no idea what to do, it is okay that I do not know how to trust God's provision. This verse gave me a new freedom, a freedom that got me through another week and for this I am thankful

Song of this year. Please listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC0WoJfYA2E
Don't be distracted by the corny graphic on this video.