Apparently, I needed Him

15 months ago I was adamant about never getting married. I was independent woman who did not need a man. After experiencing the demolition of my parents marriage and seeing countless action films where the guy loses complete focus to save the girl (have you ever noticed how much destruction the hero creates in pursuit of the damsel in distress? Sometimes several hundred people die for her to be saved) Anyways, I was determined to never be controlled by a man. 15 months ago I was on a path,  a mission to be self-sustainable. No one but God had power in my life. Then I met Michael. I would say Michael blindsided me. When people ask what to do to meet men, I honestly say I do not know. I was not looking, I was not obsessing over anyone, I was not going to 34920349204 parties in order for someone to notice.  I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS! Also, I would like to add that sometimes we believe the lie that God is punishing us or we need to learn something before He will provide someone. I do not think it works that way. Dating should never be an idol or become safety net. Back to this story... I went to a party on Feb 16, 2011. I remember being annoyed because this party was very much out of my way (I have a thing about efficiency and I have to be efficient in my driving path) At this party Michael asked me for my number, I did not think much of it until I got home. I mentioned what happened and one of my roommates exploded with excitement. All of sudden she finds him on facebook and we look at every single picture he has. Her excitement did get me a tiny bit more excited. Then my other roommate who is dating Michael's roommate informed her boyfriend about the situation. Needless to say Michael called me shortly after that. We fell immediately madly in love and never had any problems. Now here we are engaged...the end.

HAHA!

Well, it was not that easy. Both Michael and I realized we had not dated in high school. A lot of guarded-ness had developed over the years and for me it was not easy to shut of my "independent I do not need anyone spirit" We both were set in our ways which we knew, but what we did not know is how selfish we both were. Now I do not want to speak for Michael, so I will just talk about my experience... To sum up the last 15 months is a self-righteous woman becoming very aware of her sinfulness specifically in area of pride and selfishness. Cary without Michael was rarely called out on her crap, she was great friend, loyal, trustworthy, great listener, intentional, affirming, but Cary with Michael was an absolute mess. Dating Michael brought out the underlining layers of these "good" qualities. He brought out my Hard hearted, controlling, selfishness, and my inflated ego. I did not want Michael to affect my emotions. Michael became my mirror which did not go over well. After much pushing and pulling I finally realized how much better life was with Michael. He slowed me down and made me feel more secure in who I am.His gentle and kindness slowly chipped away at my cold, black heart (dramatized). Michael is brave, patient, gentle man.

The reason I share this is because dating Michael has given me a better understanding of the Gospel.  For most of my life I have not understood grace and God's kindness. Kindness draws us in. Michael's kindness mirrored what God has been trying to show me for the past 25 years... God was not mad at me! I need to stop trying to please him! Christ died for that already! I do not deserve grace, there is nothing I can do to get, out of His kindness, love and mercy He has given it to me. God gave me a tangible example of the power of His love and for that I am thankful. Its transformative!

Another reason why I share this is dating should never be taken lightly or forced upon. Dating and marriage is hard work. Believe me I tried to break up with Michael 3 times. In the Christian culture is not much different than in the world. this pressure that there is something wrong with you if you are not dating. It seems to be the default conversation, "are you dating someone?" I am sorry but Jesus did not date! He was Jesus! I am sure Mary put pressure on him so she could have grand kids, but Jesus never allowed that to distract him. He never had to prove himself to anyone because his identity rested only in God. For marriage, I do not believe there is a formula, everyone's story is different. What I do know is that it is important to hold on to the promise of God's goodness. He has something beautiful planned and its way better than you expect.  

I remain confident of this:

    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait^(C) for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. Psalms 27:13-14 (I am obsessed with this chapter)

Lastly, if the relationship is not helping you grow closer to God, its not worth it. Its that simple.

P.S. I love Michael but He aint perfect either. Yay for sanctification!